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| Favorite tree in glorious fall colors |
Being alone with fear can rapidly turn into panic. Being alone with frustration can rapidly turn into anger. Being alone with disappointment can rapidly turn into discouragement and, even worse, despair. —Mark Goulston
Yes, I am sad, but I am also not wanting to withdraw from life and all the challenges that I face every day. You see, the other part of the post's title has to do with losing my ability to see, to discern shapes as they truly are, and not the way my failing eyes skew my vision. Since I can still see well enough to write on my laptop, I will take advantage of this time to learn all I can about how others cope with low vision. I don't read books anymore, but I can still get any that I want to read in audio form. For the moment, I can also continue to read blog posts from my online community, and continue to post twice a week without much problem.
Getting older and losing one's faculties is something everyone who is blessed to live a long life will have to deal with. Now that I am approaching my eighty-second birthday, I can proudly say I've already done it: gone through all the phases of life and have plenty of like-minded old people to hang out with. And that is what the Senior Center has given me already, and will continue to give me as I grow in my ability to serve others. That is one of the most amazing aspects of aging: finding new ways to be happy and not taking any of my days for granted.
Like many others, I was devastated on Wednesday morning when I woke to see the news, and the only good part about it is realizing that many of my fellow Americans got just what they wanted. I happen to live in a blue state, and during the election season I didn't see even one Trump/Vance sign. Plenty of Harris/Walz ones, though, and it gave me the wrong impression of the direction the country was headed. I just didn't expect the gut punch I received on Wednesday morning, and now I am trying to find my way ahead.
I am no stranger to grief, having lost both of my children and both of my parents, as well as a sister and many friends over the years. I know how to navigate grief, and I also know that the place I am in right now will change and become easier to bear as the days and weeks pass. When my infant son Stephen died, I was only 22 and had very little ability to navigate the headwaters I faced. It took me a decade to find happiness and wholeness again, but I did, of course. My son Chris was only 4 when he lost his brother, and then his father when we divorced. He bore the scars of his childhood until he too died at the age of 40 while serving in the Army. The feeling I have today resembles the one I felt in the early days after Chris' sudden death.
Yesterday morning I went on my usual walk from the coffee shop with my friend Steve. I was in a black mood when we started, but after a mile or so of being outside in the light rain showers with a good friend, I began to feel much more like myself. Exercise always makes me feel better, and this week I discovered another way to cope: service to others. When I worked on Thursday through the lunchroom hours, I didn't think for a moment about anything except what I had to accomplish to help others enjoy their lunch. I walked out on my way to the bus, feeling whole and happy for the first time this week. It makes me realize what a difference it makes when one stops wallowing in pain by helping others deal with life's ups and downs. Service: I think I'll do more of it.
And just by sitting here in the dark and writing down these words, I realize that I am more grounded and feeling better today than I thought I would. Today, by the way, would have been my son Chris' sixty-third birthday. He never had the chance to grow old, but I can imagine the balding gray-haired old gentleman he would have turned into, since so many of my companions have already done so. Although I don't celebrate his birthday these days, I can send a missive of love and appreciation into the Universe for his life.
Thank you to my dear readers as well, for being there, for going through your own lives and finding ways to deal with all the travails that come our way during the weeks and years we share. I hope I will be able to see well enough to continue this endeavor for a bit longer, but don't you worry, I'll find a way. My sweet partner still sleeps next to me at this moment, and I have plenty of blog posts to read this morning, as the rain gently falls outside. Soon my friend John will pick me up and we'll go out for our Sunday morning breakfast. Until we meet again next week, I wish you all good things. Be well.
12 comments:
What an inspiring post. Congratulations for bearing up and moving onward.
I am also feeling my way ahead since the election. (And here I thought Kennedy's assassination and Watergate were shockingly horrendous.)
The sadness for me comes also from losing my trust in my fellow Americans... in their values and their belief in freedoms and equality and all the things we've strived to achieve. I really believed the silent majority would see the dangers and vote accordingly. I was wrong. Perhaps this 'experiment' in democracy has run it's course. What's that saying, "All will be well in the end... and if it's not, then it's not the end" - comforting thought.
DJan, I too felt the shock & sadness on Wednesday you did. Like yourself, there wasn't a SINGLE Trump sign in my neighborhood leading up the election, only Harris/Walz. That night as I watched the votes come in, I saw my location (Allegheny County, in Pa) as a tiny blip of blue in a sea of red and my heart sank. I am still trying to process what happened to us. Anyway, I appreciate your words here, you radiate positive energy. And while I did know that you lost both your sons, I was almost shocked to hear today would've been Chris' 63rd birthday. I turned 63 just 10 days ago. I didn't know he and I were the same age. I am counting my blessings today. I think the world of you DJan, and I hope your have a good week.
I needed to hear this message today, Jan. I have to believe good will prevail, otherwise the world is lost!
In my area there were only Trump Vance signs. Walz is not liked very much in outstate Minnesota....Minneapolis Burning. I was not shocked by Trumps win, I was shocked by how much he won by. The pollsters said it would be close. I guess they were wrong either that or people were not truthful with the pollsters. One of the things I said the last time Trump won. "Men will say they are voting for the next woman president, but inside the voting booth they change their minds." The Good Old Boy's really don't want a woman in charge.
I hope the economy improves now, I am not sure how young families afford food, rent , health insurance and daycare. I see things from my young adult Grandchildrens view and they needed a change.
In the end God is incharge and he doesn't make mistakes.
On this side of the world I am sad with and for you. And mystified.
And a big YES to voluntary service. It grounds me and sustains me.
Thank you, as always, for this thoughtful post.
I read you post earlier but then left it to go for a walk. The walk in our local park was beautiful and refreshing. Of course Tom and I keep returning in our conversations to the election, but I am trying to deal with it and trying to understand why so many of our citizens voted the way they did. My sister and my brother could tell me, but they would't even have the same reasons, and, of course, I tend to reject their thinking. Like, oh really? But that isn't even true. Those exchanges are not hepful to family relationships, so I try to avoid them.
I was unhappy but not surprised by the outcome. Having been so devasted eight years ago, I prepared myself this time. Some of the anger and discouragement still linger though. I too deal with the disabilities that come with age. Walking is hard and balance is precarious, so I am proud of myself when I complete a mile walk, as I did this morning. To add to that, my eye glasses fell apart when I took them off Thursday. They are my only pair. I went to the optomitrist Friday morning to find that the glasses are broken and need to be replaced. To do that I need a new eye exam and prescription. Luckily I was able to schedule one for this Tuesday, and bought a pair of reading glasses that help, but are not quite right. I am getting eye strain headaches.
But I'll manage, just as I'll manage to overcome the outcome of the election. I fear for those who will be much more negatively impacted.
For now, the morning is still dry, there are sunbreaks lighting up the still golden leaves, and I am OK. I'm glad you are too.
Please remember that your voice, even when it shakes, will help many others. It helped me today.
After reading this post, I looked over to the right side of the page to your Blog Archive. You started in 2009, and every year since, just as there are 52 weeks in a year, there are 52+ Eye on the Edge posts. You’ve been posting every week for almost 15 years! To me, it’s an amazing accomplishment. I’ve been with you since 2013. During all this time, I continue to learn from you, and appreciate your positive outlook on this difficult aspect of life we call aging. Thank you DJan. John
You make a good comparison of the loss of your sons to the results of the election. It is grief. We can get over some of the election disappointment but we still have to live with the twisted policies that we will see.
I, too, was devastated when I learned the outcome of the election. My close friends and family feel the same way. We put a sign on the front of our yard for Harris because my brother-in-law is a veteran and he says he could never vote for this man who disparages those in the military, but some neighbors on our cul-de-sac who have Trump signs in their yard, chose to steal our signs and then when they were replaced with a heavier sign, they came and beat it up with a hammer. Like you, DJan, I will not likely live to see the consequences of this election and I pray that somewhere there are people who will stand up and vote against his policies.
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