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| Mt. Shuksan amongst the fall colors |
Right now I couldn't go back up there anyway, since I fell on the trail last week and injured my knee. It's still a struggle just to walk around the house and I must hang onto the railing when navigating stairs. It's now been three days, and although it's better, I don't think I'll be indulging in much strenuous activity for awhile. Yesterday I had to skip the walk with the ladies, and I really missed it. It was one of my favorite walks with perfect weather. And I spent it doing laundry.
It's been another rough week in many aspects. Although I am blessed in many ways, for some reason lately I've been struggling with sadness. I just learned this week that one of my favorite bloggers, Ronni at Time Goes By, has found that the pancreatic cancer she thought she had survived through that awful Whipple surgery has returned. Although she feels fine, she knows that within a short time she will begin to have symptoms and will then die. She might make it to 78 (she's 77 right now) but that will be it. As she entitled her post, she'll be going Into the Great Unknown. It's worth a read, since it's the same journey we will all make one day.
Another dear friend lost her husband to Alzheimer's last week, and although he left her in little increments over the years, she was relieved that he didn't live long enough to forget how to feed himself or swallow. He was 80 and started having symptoms of the disease when he was around my age, 75. This is when it all begins to change, during our eighth decade of life. Even if you've been healthy and careful, our bodies begin to wear out right about now. And I'm busy nursing a sore knee, which I know will get better, but still feeling sorry for myself. It takes a lot longer to recover from anything at my age.
But on the other hand, I can look back at a life well lived, a long one even if I'm not terribly ancient. Nobody would exclaim about my having been snuffed out too soon if I died today. Nobody ever thinks I'm younger than I am, I remind myself, with my white hair and wrinkles. I look at my friends, and they are all getting older, too. My dear partner, the same age as me, looks every bit the old man he's become. We met when we both had just turned fifty, and although to some people that might seem old, we were both skydivers with plenty of life yet to live. Now, 25 years later, we are retired from both work and from jumping out of airplanes, but somehow the days continue to be filled with lots of activity and joy, mostly. I appreciate him so much (as he snores gently next to me right now) and he takes great care of me. What would I do without him? I shudder to think about it.
My friend Peggy's husband is now at a local rehab facility after a month in the trauma center in Seattle. She doesn't want to say where, exactly, because they are not in any way ready for visitors. Just family for now. I wonder how it will be for him, since he had so many surgeries and lost a leg in the accident. Just to remind you, he was going out to the end of his driveway to collect the garbage bins once the truck had gone by, and apparently the driver had forgotten one, backed up quickly, and somehow ran over him. Although the backup beeper was working, I suspect Lyle didn't hear it because of hearing loss. Anyway, he's out of the woods for now, but he's got a long road ahead of him. He's 70 and was never as active as Peggy. I know him slightly from socializing over the years, but Peggy has been a dear friend for more than a decade.
I woke this morning from a dream about another friend I haven't seen since I moved away from Colorado. She and I hugged and cried together in my dream, and it was as real as if she stood in front of me now. I woke from the dream feeling the loss, and realized I had been crying in my sleep as my cheeks were wet. Dreams are such strange ventures into another world; I wonder if I'll ever understand them. I'm grateful for them, however, for being able to visit loved ones long gone.
Bringing myself back to the present, I look around me and think about the day ahead. I just received an email from my friend Judy who decided to skip going to the movies today so she can work outside in her garden. I should think about my own garden and get it ready for the long winter's sleep. Not sure whether the knee will be happy if I try to work out there today, but it might be a good way to spend some time in the sunshine without going on a brisk walk (which is beyond my capability right now). I went to the pot shop yesterday to get some CBD cream for it, and I have to say it's amazing stuff. The one I got is called "Skin Care: High CBD," and my knee stops hurting a few minutes after I rub it in. The one I had before, which I gave away, was the consistency of honey, and I didn't like it as much. This one is solid and much more pleasant to apply. I wish everybody could buy this stuff, but it's only available in states that have approved the use of cannabis products.
I don't smoke pot any more, although I did for so many years in my younger days. I look at the varieties available on the shelves, and I've tried some edibles but just don't like the fact that they last for such long periods of time, and I don't have enough time to just sit around and contemplate my navel. I wouldn't want to drive under the influence, so I will just stick to topicals and, of course, my beauty sleep at night. I take a dropperful of cannabis that helps me sleep but doesn't make me "high." I suppose if I took enough of it I could feel it, but that's not why I use it. It isn't enough to keep me asleep for the entire night, but I usually fall back to sleep easily if I wake to use the bathroom. I bought one once called "Deep Sleep" that is supposed to keep you asleep all night, but it was too strong and I woke the next morning feeling a bit of a hangover from it. I'll stick with Beauty Sleep even if it doesn't make me beautiful. (grin)
Well, writing the post has worked its magic on me. When I started I was feeling a little out of sorts and a bit sad, but now I'm thinking of all the good stuff in my life and feeling lots of gratitude. I look forward to my trip to the coffee shop this morning to visit my friends there, and now that Judy has decided to skip the movie, I've got the whole rest of the day ahead to enjoy whatever comes my way. Tea is gone, partner is still asleep next to me, and the day beckons. I hope however you decide to spend your day, that you will also spend a moment at least to give thanks. You are precious not only to me, but to those around you who love you. Be well until we meet again next week, dear friends.
11 comments:
Yesterday I could not go for a walk because my hip had gone into spasms in the morning, a new development, and then my back stiffened up from some standing and stooping work I did outside. This morning I have awakened to an inflamed knee. That's another new thing. I'm hoping an early afternoon walk will happen today. I need that CBD cream, I guess. I have not used cannabis products before, but I may soon.
I am trying not to be sad because of how my body is under attack. I asked Tom yesterday if he had thought about what will happen if I can no longer work beside him in our big garden, and he said we would just take it as it comes. He is not a worrier. So we'll see. I will work on being joyous over what we have in the here and now, with autumn coming into full glory.
The sky is clear, no clouds, no fog. It looks to be a beautiful day. We'll find joy!
Gratitude has helped me on numerous occasions when life drags me down. Thank you for the reminder, Jan.
I hope your knee is better soon so you can resume your hikes!
I'm kicking myself for not getting out to weed my beds yesterday when it was cool and beautiful. Now it's damp and gray, so I have no desire to deal with it today.
I hope your knee heals soon! Have a wonderful week!
I often think of that too, DJan... that at the age we're at (in our 70's), no one would be surprised if we died tomorrow. It's a sobering thought. I read the blog "Into the great unknown" and think yes, one day we will have to face this ... and wonder how well we will handle it. I tell myself that since my mom, dad, sister, and brother all faced it before me, I should be able to do it too, right? And God knows, we've had a good life, so we should be grateful (for our families, our health, and our life-style). I've never tried pot... but that's because I'm so anti putting anything into my body that will give me a bad reaction. But I'm certainly a believer in using it for medical purposes if the need arises (don't think Texas allows it, but not sure).
I wish more people could come to accept the end of their life. As you say you've lived a long and satisfying life. Get that knee back in shape. we can't have you sitting around just taking up space!
I hope you had a good Sunday. Take care of that knee. I probably don't need to tell you that as your knee will let you know--LOL!
With my dad gone now and my mom coming up on 90--yes, I have occasionally wondered, too, how things will progress as I get older and how I will leave. Will I know ahead of time? How functional will I be--physically/mentally? How old will I be? We aren't meant to know. One of life's many surprises. The older we get the more we know people who aren't here any more.
As always, I appreciated your Sunday post. I am sorry to hear about the knee mishap, but I’m glad the CBD cream is helping. I have not tried that on my bad hip or shoulder, but I keep thinking it could help.
There is so much sadness here. The seventies hit, and they are so different from the 70’s that we lived through decades ago. I am saddened to hear the terrible news about your friends. I used to read Ronni’s posts. She is an amazing woman. So sad to hear that the pancreatic cancer is back.
I am always uplifted by how you remember all the good in your life as you end your post. I hope the knee continues to heal and that you feel better with each passing day.
Don't know how I missed that post from Ronnie. I was so pleased with how well she was doing. They come on new things every day to fight Cancer. I will pray she can beat this yet.
So sorry your knee still has you laid up--kind of. CBD has made it to Arkansas and I got some to help me sleep but it didn't do much. Of course I didn't buy the really expensive one. Hope the cream gives you relief and you can get back walking at least.
Take it slow--as we age it takes longer to bounce back but we eventually do.
Take care my friend.
Dear DJan, two initiatives are on the November 6th Missouri ballot for the medical marijuana in Missouri. I so hope they pass. We humans are amazing creatures. Not only are our bodies amazing but our minds also. You went in a short time from sadness to the joy of gratitude. And we all do that--we move from one emotion to another. I grieve for those who find themselves in an emotion like bitterness and stay there, focused on that. Feelings can so influence the health of our body. Peace.
I am sad to hear about your friends and their losses. It has been a rough Fall for many. I am thankful you are my friend:)
Your title and your slip hurting your knee made me wonder about puns and then had me thinking about how days are slipping by so fast and getting darker. Less daylight seems to make us more easily gloomy but you found the sunshine and are going to be in the night. Right noe I am still in my bed with my iPad in my face so I can read and comment. Next to me is my daughter’s cat who only today decided to adopt me and is purring away. She has been here for a month so it took much time for her to feel okay and slip up beside me. We are all creatures who need to feel connected. Thanks for your support.
Our nation now allows cannabis for all over a certain age. It will be interesting how laws develop around this. I have no idea if I will try it. I do not feel good after coffee or a glass of wine so I hesitate to ingest really unknown to me stuff.
I would love to learn more about our world of dreams. You reminded me of that curiosity.
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