Existential thinking

Taken on a December morn

There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn't true: the other is to refuse to believe what is true. —Soren Kierkegaard

When I was in my twenties, I became obsessed with learning what happened during the Holocaust, and I ended up reading volumes of books that chronicled the atrocities that were carried out against more than six million souls, mostly Jewish, during the 1930s and 1940s. I don't know why I got so focused on that period in history, but I suspect it might have been because I stumbled upon a book that simply fascinated me: Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, written in 1948 about his experiences in a concentration camp.

It was a long time ago, and I know that I was pregnant with my first son during that time and was rather unhappy in my personal life. I was only eighteen and forced to get married when I found myself "in a family way" with someone I barely knew. But it was 1961, there weren't a lot of options for me at the time. So I immersed myself in the suffering of others, I suspect. Within a few months, my husband was transferred to an Air Force Base in Puerto Rico, and I was pretty much by myself as I waited to join him there. I read incessantly until I flew to Puerto Rico, six months pregnant.

When I look back at that time in my life, and in the historical period itself, I think that I needed to find a way to think about things that made sense. It was a difficult time for me, but there were also the events surrounding me: the Cuban Missile Crisis in 1962, and I was living in Puerto Rico when it happened. Then JFK being assassinated, and then so many other leaders being lost as well. I was just a kid, I realize now, trying to make sense of life. I continued to read incessantly, and after having studied the Holocaust, I turned to books that might help me understand how to think about things. I went in several different directions over the years, but I know now that the concept of existential thinking has brought me to my present belief system.

Existentialism: a form of philosophical inquiry that explores the issue of human existence. Existentialist philosophers explore the problems related to the meaning, purpose, and value of human existence, and personal agency. An individual person's phenomenological starting point is direct experience of life. (Wikipedia)

By the time I turned thirty, I had been married and divorced, lost my infant son to meningitis, and was the mother of a young boy who was forced to endure all those upheavals along with me. He is now also gone, but he lived to the age of forty before dying of heart disease. We became good friends, but I still live with the knowledge that I was not a good mother to him. When he was a teenager, he dropped out of high school and nothing I said or did would change his mind. I sent him to live with his father, and that helped somewhat. He went into business with his dad and I think it was the best path for him at that time. But as I said, I still feel a great deal of guilt for the trials and tribulations we both faced during those years.

Now I am old, and looking back on my life, I realize that I had to make an attempt at understanding what it is all about in order to stay sane. During all those years, I never stopped reading and went through several different periods of interest. I read long involved novels that would allow me to forget my current circumstances. I had to work all during those years, and I also went to community college to earn an associate's degree (but I didn't finish). It was surprising to me to find that I really liked chemistry, but it only served to give me another direction in which to focus my reading. 

When I discovered quantum mechanics and Buddhism, more recently, many of the concepts that had been swirling in my mind began to come into focus. To learn that all the precepts of Buddhism dovetail so perfectly into the ideas of quantum mechanics has been a revelation, and it makes me feel much more confident in continuing to read about both of them with an eye towards better understanding the world as I perceive it.

And now, today, my world is feeling pretty stable, with a dear partner who shared those skydiving years with me, and I continue to read quite a lot. These days, I usually read books on my Kindle, since my eyes are no longer able to spend endless hours over hard copy. But I still read and realize and am grateful for how much I have learned, and continue to learn, as I make my way towards the exit.

None of us knows for certain what the future holds, but I feel quite content in the life I have today. Of course, it could all be altered in a few minutes, but for the present moment I wouldn't change a thing. I wonder if the fabled earthquake will occur while I am still alive, or if we'll have our current political situation go kablooey, as it has in so many places around the world, or if it will continue along pretty much as it has for so many years now. Who knows? 

Since I have learned that my happiness does not come from external circumstances, but from how I perceive my life, it has made me feel much more serene in daily existence. I've had a lot of it now, many years to ponder and experience the vicissitudes of life. I've had many wonderful people over the years to share my life and thoughts with, and through the magic of the internet, I no longer feel the need to be present in corporeal form to have an entire community of friends.

My dear partner still sleeps next to me as I begin to wrap up this post and look to the day ahead. As usual, John will pick me up for breakfast in Fairhaven, and then I'll go bowling with my dear friends Lily and Ace. It's shaping up to become another wonderful day. I do hope you will have a lovely week ahead. Until we meet again next week, I wish you all good things, dear friends.