Vagaries and vicissitudes

Laburnum (Golden Chain) tree

Yesterday I went for a fairly long walk with my friend Steve. I hadn't yet made it all the way from downtown Bellingham to Fairhaven and back (about five or six miles) but had worked my way up to almost five miles without pain, so I figured I could do it, more than three months after my unfortunate fall on the ice. I did fine until the final mile back. We passed by several beautiful trees in bloom, such as this gorgeous Golden Chain tree. I couldn't think of the name of it, hard as I tried, because my brain kept coming up with "Golden Showers" and wouldn't budge off it. It wasn't until I got home and looked it up online that the real name came back to me. Brains are like that, especially mine at least, as it has gotten older.

I have always loved the English language, and I used it for editing and writing essays while I worked as an editor during my long career at the National Center for Atmospheric Research (NCAR) in Boulder, Colorado. I have been retired now for almost two decades but still love to find new words and new concepts. For the most part, my mental processes so far seem to be working well, and although I will find typos and other mistakes in my work, I am usually diligent about editing until it is as error-free as I can manage. Even with my failing eyesight, a misspelled word or one used incorrectly will usually jump out at me.

What I am having to get used to is pulling a word out of my brain that isn't quite the correct word but it's almost right. The other day I was explaining to someone about the problem with my eyes, called GA, a late-stage form of macular degeneration. GA stands for geographic atrophy of the macula, responsible for central vision. But I couldn't find the word, instead coming up with "geriatric atrophy" which seemed almost right but the real word, "geographic," just wasn't present in my mind. I guess that happens more and more often as we age, but it drives me crazy. I also find myself unable to pull up specific words in conversation, and end up frustrated as I fill the missing space with something inane, like "you know, the little handle to make the toilet work," or something like that. Sheesh!

My only way of communicating with you, my dear reader, is with the concepts and stories that I come up with. I think of something I want to say, then I figure out the words that will convey the thought. And sometimes I get completely off track because none of the words are working right. Or is it my brain that is not working right? I find it all fascinating and a little bit frustrating. 

Our normal waking consciousness, rational consciousness as we call it, is but one special type of consciousness, whilst all about it, parted from it by the flimsiest of screens, there lie potential forms of consciousness entirely different. —William James

I will sometimes wake from a dream that feels more real that the waking state I find myself in. Some of those dreams are still with me many years later, and I can recall them very well, although I know that every time I recall a memory, it is a little different than the last time I visited it. One particular memory, where I was laughing with my mom and sister, I don't know about what, but I can still remember the wonderful feeling of laughing until my sides hurt. And when I woke, I was still laughing and smiling, filled with chuckles about who knows what.

Those two words I title this post with are almost the same in meaning, and I was trying hard to find just the right word to describe my feeling about the unwelcome change in my ability to use words correctly. It didn't help much that these two words both came to mind, and while I looked them up just to be sure, I don't actually know if they are truly different from one another. Describing the "vagaries of life" means dealing with an unexpected, usually negative, change, while the "vicissitudes of life" means about the same. They are not well used words these days, but I am fascinated by them whenever I come across one in my reading. Do you have similar words that cause you to ponder their meaning?

There are so many interesting words to know and learn about, and even now that I am struggling with being able to see, I still cannot give up reading (or listening) to articles and stories, and that will continue as long as I have any sight at all, I suspect. One at a time, my cherished faculties are slipping away. And one day, I'll be happy to lay my head down on my bed and breathe my last. It's the way things are supposed to go, and even though there are plenty of people much older than me, still pretty much intact in their abilities, there are many others who have already died, or are losing those abilities slowly. I'm getting used to it.

It's hard to imagine that I am the same person, just older, than the one who made thousands of skydives and taught innumerable others how to do it. It's also hard to imagine that I bore two children and raised one of them to adulthood. And that I had a career that let me travel all over the world. Or that I became a hiker who spent years, not all at once, discovering the wonders of the Pacific Northwest mountains and valleys.

And now, I am writing my usual Sunday post while propped up in my darkened bedroom, with my dear partner still sleeping next to me, and life feels quite full and exciting. We are traveling together through the vicissitudes of aging, and finding it still very fascinating. I feel very lucky to have found my virtual family and spend some time every day finding out how you, dear reader, are dealing with the vagaries of growing older.

So, until we meet again next week, I hope that you will find some wonderful and unexpected moments in your days ahead. My friend John will pick me up for our usual Sunday morning excursion, and I will look around at the world and be grateful that I have such a full and happy life. Until we meet again next week, I wish you all good things. Be well.