Getting there

Last March in the Chuckanuts

Yes, another scene from last year's hiking, since I'm still not able to be out there myself at the moment. I especially liked seeing this picture, since I'm in it, looking happy and uninjured, and directly behind me is Karen, who led last Thursday's hike. She recounted her experience on the eleven-mile hike and how she was able to deal with leg cramps. I've had some minor experiences with them, but nothing like she felt. Fortunately for her, Chris, a strong and capable hiker, had some pickle juice in her stash. Yes, pickle juice! Have you ever heard of this? I hadn't, but then again, if given the chance I will always enjoy a dill pickle spear if one comes with a sandwich. I am fond of sour stuff anyway.

I looked online and found that there are plenty of different brands of pickle juice to choose from, but I am drawn to one that looks like a, well, pickle. The individual packets aren't very expensive, and it seems it would be a good idea to carry a couple for emergencies. It sure helped Karen: in just seconds, her cramps disappeared. Reading about the use of pickle juice for cramps, I learned that it seems it's truly magic: the juice helps almost instantaneously before it could actually get into your system. Hmpf. Color me skeptical.

I am getting better, but I am certainly not back to normal. I did walk to the bus and take it to town twice last week, going to the coffee shop and then over to the Senior Center before returning home the same way, by bus. But after two days doing this, my legs were sore and my back wasn't happy. I guess I should be pleased that I am doing as well as I am, but again, I never expected to be this old and slow. And I never expected to become a grumpy old complainer, either. That I can do something about: let's focus on the good around us, shall we?

Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity. —Carl Jung

It's true that I have been blessed with a truly happy existence. Just as most of us, I have experienced plenty of sadness and even misery, but mostly I have seen the brighter side of life. I've had a good career, from which I have retired; I have a wonderful partner who shares the ups and downs of the world with me;  sitting in my lap is a delightful instrument that connects me with the wider world; I have a lovely place to live (even if it's rented); I can ponder, think about things, and write blog posts like this one. That's just for starters: if I dig a little deeper, I can find many other reasons to be happy with the life I have today. So much better to look on the bright side. Why not? 

There is plenty to feel doom and gloom about, but there are also myriad ways to enjoy life, even when things are really dire. I remember years ago reading about people who found joy and compassion even when thrown into concentration camps with death all around them. They even had weddings and celebrated birthdays, glad to still be breathing. No matter how glorious our life, or how humble, we all one day reach our final days and take our last breath. To have had the incredible experience of life is to have already reached the summit. Standing on the edge of the precipice, looking out at the infinite landscape below us, we can be filled with joy and gratitude. Why not?

We get to choose whether we concentrate on the good stuff or the bad stuff. If I spent my entire day sitting with the laptop and reading the news of the day, I would be in despair and wallowing in the awfulness of life. But, conversely, if I spend my entire day reading inspiring stories and enjoying the company of family and friends, the world looks brighter and happier, and nothing changed except my attitude. Surrounding myself with what I want to experience is a tactic that works, even when I am still unable to run and jump and play. Yet.

My Sunday morning will look very different, too. John will not be coming to take me to breakfast, as he got a bad case of the flu last week. He had gotten his annual flu shot, but he was exposed to it, caught it and ended up very sick. He's 85, after all, and not in the best shape. He went to his doctor's and was given the antiviral tamiflu, which he says makes him feel worse when he takes it. But today is the last of the seven-day regimen, and then he will start to feel better. He got really walloped by it this time. I read that our area is having a real strong outbreak and that one should stay away from others as much as possible. I started wearing a mask when riding the bus (which I had stopped doing a while ago) and in crowded places. I sure don't want it; I got a flu shot in October and hope that it's still effective.

So there you have it. I am going to take a hot shower and then decide on what I will do with the rest of my day. It's strange not starting with my exercises, but each day I am closer to being able to resume my normal life. Perhaps this has been somewhat of a wake-up call, making me realize that things change, life moves on, and to stop and smell the proverbial flowers now and then. Until we meet again next week, dear friends, I wish you all good things. Be well.

Making progress slowly

Teddy Bear Cove January 21, 2025

I didn't realize when I took this shot at Teddy Bear Cove last month that it would be the last hike I would be sharing with so many good Senior friends for awhile, but it was. 

I took a very bad fall on the ice and wrote about it in detail here last Sunday, if you want the whole story. For now, I'm being grateful that I am much better than this time last week. But I am still not there. The other part of getting older is forgetting how much longer it takes to get back to normal after an injury. The good part is that I can now make it out of bed by myself and can crawl back in without help. Of course, that doesn't mean I am not truly enjoying being tucked into bed like a baby. I have stopped taking all drugs, even though I have a few set aside in case I really need something. Twice so far I have attempted to do my morning Five Tibetan Rites, which I have done every single day for decades. Until now. 

The first time I tried them, I couldn't even get from a sitting position on the floor to standing without extreme discomfort. I managed to spend maybe an hour going from one sitting position to the next. And then I needed to take a muscle relaxer and 2 Advil, and decided it was too soon to try them. Then yesterday, just over a week since the injury, I tried again. I was able to do some modifications but managed a few poses without too much pain. It was only the last Rite that I still cannot do at all. I'm thinking that if I am not well enough to do them next week, I'll order a back brace from Amazon and continue trying. It seems like a long way from where I am today to being able to hike, do my volunteer work, and attend yoga classes once again.

But what else can I do? Just keep on trying and noticing how much better I am with each passing day. I've learned that the SI joint (the right one was shattered back in 2000) is responsible for transferring the weight from my torso to my legs.

Red area shows where the pain is

The x-ray tech was nice enough to show me the x-rays, so I could see the two pins that reside in the joint, and I could plainly see the device that the doctor placed in my back, after he needed to just plug the artery, rather than try to sew it back together. I've managed quite well, all these years later, until I went and re-injured it. Fortunately I am resilient and used to pain, so I am hoping I will once again be back to a semblance of normal. The good thing is that I am able to get up and dress myself, careful to pay attention to my movements. I stop when I feel pain. A week later, I am off the meds, able to get out of bed by myself, and even able to do a bit of grocery shopping, with help from SG. So, life is good, if I will acknowledge my good fortune.

Our awful and unusual cold snap has broken, finally. We had more than two weeks of cold where the high temperature for the day didn't even reach the freezing point. But now the rain has returned, along with much warmer temps. I received a bill for last month's electric usage (we have electric heat) and was shocked at the number, more than $100 higher than I've ever gotten before. Another reminder that we are all in  the same boat of trying to find our bearings in a changed world. If I compare my situation with many others, I am still blessed with a wonderful partner, relative health, and a place to live that I can mostly afford. Not to mention good food, an internet connection, and lots of virtual family to converse with.

I'm doing my best to navigate the news these days, keeping the most distressing parts on a short leash, as they say. When it gets really bad, I stream a comedy show or something else that will make me smile and gain some perspective.

Keep your face always toward the sunshine, and shadows will fall behind you. —Walt Whitman

This morning, John will not be coming to take me to breakfast. He went out dancing last night and knew he would be staying up later than usual, so he wants to get enough sleep. I am fine with it, although I'll miss seeing him. And it's still too soon for me to attempt my exercises, so I'll snuggle into my recliner with my feet up, and enjoy the world as it is today, not as I wish it to be. I hope that you, dear friends, will find joy and peace in your life. You deserve it, as do I. Until we meet again next week, I wish you all good things. Be well.

Happier times

Coming down from Hannegan Pass

I have always loved this picture, me gazing back down from the pass, on my way back from the summit. Well, maybe not the actual summit of Hannegan Peak, although I've climbed it three times over the years, but maybe just to the pass, where we usually stopped, had lunch and turned around, heading back the way we came.

I think the days of climbing that peak are behind me, but I might one day, maybe this summer, make the nine-mile hike to the pass and back. When I think of the peak, I can only remember lots of climbing, rocks, loose shale, and heat from the blazing sun. Obviously in this picture, we were not in full sun and probably didn't make the full eleven miles to the summit. 

It was last Wednesday, the day after I was warned to be careful on the slippery and icy walk to the bus. Well, I shouldn't have been out there, because I slipped and fell backwards onto the hard driveway. But it was the metal water bottle, strapped to my right side, that caused some major damage to my pelvis. Yes, the same one that I broke in six places, shattering the right sacrum and losing an internal artery in the process. That was a quarter-century ago, but I have now been reminded of the pain I endured, since I am suffering once again. This time, however, I think the pain will diminish faster, and I am no longer needing that external fixator I wore for seven weeks.

When I went down this time, I landed right on my back, a little to the side, right on top of the metal bottle, and the pain was excruciating. A red-hot fire of pain. I lay there in shock, waiting for the pain to subside, so I could get up from the ground. Finally I stood and then carefully made my way back to the apartment, where SG slept, knowing little of what his next few days would look like. Once I made it to the bathroom and pulled up my shirt, I looked at my back in the mirror and saw no sign of the fall, but I could sure feel it. Thinking that I would be back to walking in a short time, I didn't panic, and I knew that if I had done any real damage that I could get to the Emergency Room within a few minutes if necessary.

That night, Wednesday, I attempted an uncomfortable sleep, but it wasn't to be: I was unable to get up by myself and needed help just to get out of bed and get to the bathroom. I was still feeling reassured, although I was stiffening up as time passed. I took a few Advil but otherwise just allowed myself to believe it would get better quickly. But Thursday night, once I went to bed, I was unable to get up by myself at all. And the pain was unremitting. My partner became my caregiver and had to help me as I would scream in pain if I moved a certain way. Once I made it to the bathroom successfully, I decided to spend the rest of the night in my recliner in the living room. Not much sleep, but I knew it was time to make a visit to the ER.

We are still in a cold snap, with the temperature, even with full sun, not reaching to freezing during the day. So Friday morning,  I asked SG to drive me to the ER, once the sun had melted the ice and snow. We got there around 10:00am, and I went through the intake procedure and then waited for an X-ray. The triage nurse had given me some drugs for the pain, and I felt much better once they took effect. The anti-spasm medication helped a great deal. The X-ray showed no permanent damage. We filled the prescriptions, one for hydrocodone, an opiod, and one for a muscle relaxer. Also we got some lidocaine patches.

I was glad to learn that all my hip hardware is still in place, and realized that the soft tissue took the brunt of the fall, and that it will get better, but I need to remember that it takes awhile to heal when you're old. I cannot do my morning exercises yet, and I need to be careful hobbling to the bathroom or climbing into bed, but I was able to sleep for eight hours last night (not uninterrupted), thanks to the meds and the helpful ministrations of my sweet partner. I have had to wake him to help me get out of bed, but each night is a little better. It's only been three days, but they are long ones when you're in pain.

My friends Steve and John have been in the loop, both willing to help if necessary, but SG has been the best caregiver I could have hoped for. At first he slept as I rolled out of bed, got my feet on the ground, and then stood up to hobble to the  bathroom. I managed to keep from waking him, but in the morning he woke before me, made me a cup of tea and settled me in the recliner before going back to bed. He is sleeping right now, and I feel bad that I've kept him up once again. But I am marginally better and hope that by this time next week I'll be functional. Other than the trip to the ER, I've been either in the recliner or the bed. He's taking such good care of me, but I am tired of being injured and unable to accomplish my normal routine.

Every four hours, I can take another muscle relaxer and Advil. I'm staying away from the opioid as much as possible, since I well remember how hard it was to get off the oxycontin that I took during the initial trauma. I made it, and I refuse to consider this drug as something I need. Frankly, the muscle relaxer and Advil are sufficient if I allow myself to be in some pain.

So here's my lesson for the future: listen to the voice of reason and stay home when you're unable to keep from falling on the ice. I pray that I will be back to some semblance of normality by this time next week. Until then, I'll be sitting in my recliner or tucked into bed by SG, warm and cozy and hopefully getting better. Until next week, dear friends, I wish you all good things. Take care of yourself and stay healthy!

Searching for serenity

Foggy winter day

I feel incredibly lucky to live here, where scenes like this are close by, and places that aren't filled with urban clutter are easy to find. Yesterday I didn't hike with my friend Steve, as he had other plans, and by the time I finished my coffee and scone at the coffee shop, I decided just to take the bus back home and skip the walk. It's never the same when I'm by myself, anyway.

Tomorrow it will be a week since my last eye jab. It was different, for a few reasons, from previous ones. First, this one cost me more money, what with my new insurance coverage, and I also asked for an anxiety pill prior to getting the shot, and I was given a tiny little blue number (Xanax, I think). I took it when they dilated my eyes, and within a few minutes I was feeling a little loopy, unsteady on my feet, but I was glad for it. When I received the shot from the doctor, he said he would try to make sure I didn't have so many floaters this time. Well, I don't know what he did differently, but it hurt like hell and didn't stop hurting for the rest of the day. It felt like the numbing stuff just didn't work, but I don't know for sure, because he was right, I didn't have all those floaters this time, but... I told my sister about it and she said she would have chosen the floaters instead of the pain. But me, knowing that the "swarm of insects" effect of the floaters can be a sign of a detached retina, I'll take the pain. But maybe I don't have to choose. We'll see in two months when I get my next shot.

The doctor also compared the images from the current moment with the ones he took last May when I started this treatment and told me that I have lost some vision, but who knows how much I would have lost without the shots? It took days this time for my eyes to stop being blurry and I was afraid that was where my eyesight currently is, but eventually I got back to being able to read without so much difficulty. I know where I am headed, but I'm in no hurry to get there. I have now ordered two different magnifying glasses that I use for reading fine print, or sometimes for reading much of anything. They help.

I guess it's true that I feel better, but I am really getting tired of this being the most imminent focus of my life these days. If I could somehow just be grateful for what I still have, I would be feeling much more like myself. I am not accustomed to being so uninspired, lacking much desire for pretty much anything. And the weather is not helping! We had a short respite from the cold, but now it's back, and bringing its friend SNOW along with it. By the middle of next week, we will be in the deep freeze once again, with nighttime temperatures well below freezing (-8°C). I know it's winter, but I had forgotten how difficult it is to stay comfortable in the cold and wind unless you're exercising vigorously. Everybody remembers winter's wrath once you get that blast of piercing cold in your face.

I can say all that, since I'm warm and toasty right now, feet in socks and slippers, fingers typing away, brain in action and probably burning some calories right there, but I sure am not looking forward to leaving the comfort of home. John and I said we would reassess whether to head out for breakfast, depending on how much snow fell last night. Peering out the window, I don't see any, but we are expected to have 3 to 5 inches fall here during the day.

Riding the bus home a couple of days ago, a young girl (maybe five or six) was sitting in the back talking to herself and singing songs. I heard her prattle about "once upon a time" and "happily ever after" among the stories she was inventing. It reminded me of those days when I would read fairy tales and think about favorite characters, like Cinderella, living "happily ever after." I had forgotten that phrase, which means very little once you grow up and understand that it rarely happens like that. But when I was a kid, I believed that we could live a life filled with joy and love and happiness, without any downsides. When you become an adult, you lay those fantasies aside and deal with day-to-day issues, looking for solutions to them and hoping for some resolution. I think this is why so many of us look to a higher power for comfort as we make our bumpy way through life. It's never "happily ever after" and I don't think I'd even like a fairy tale life. It's navigating the peaks and valleys of life that gives it flavor and meaning.

And I have to say how much different it is to share this life with another person, someone who is going through his own difficulties, but someone who looks out for me, keeps me going when things gets rough. We have now been together for more than three decades, starting when we were both youngsters of fifty. It seems almost impossible to imagine that so much water has flown under the bridge since we met. And I hope we will continue to support each other in the future. I don't see why not, but when I consider that we are both in our eighties, nothing is certain. Time marches on. Having a friend to hold one's hand is really all we can hope for. 

You might notice that I am avoiding any conversation around the news. It's been unremittingly bad and depressing lately. Two awful plane crashes, which I couldn't avoid hearing about, and the world in turmoil. It takes a lot of willpower for me to stop watching the news, but I get plenty of it from my laptop. There is much in my life to concentrate on that is positive, so I'll continue to do that. One good solution to bad news is countering it with smiles and positivity, even when the smiles look more like grimaces. No, that's a smile on my face! And everywhere I go there are nice people who are just doing the best they can, and every thank you and gesture of appreciation makes a difference, a good difference.

It's also Groundhog Day! That means we are halfway from the first day of winter to the first day of spring. Every day after today will bring more light in the sky (unless you live in Australia, that is), and that means flowers and budding leaves will soon grace the landscape. That's something wonderful to look forward to. Dear friends, I hope that you will find a way to spread some joy and happiness around yourselves this week, and I will do the same. Until we meet again next week, I wish you all good things. Be well.