Compassion starts with me

Mt. Baker from Skyline Divide

I took this picture while hiking along the ridge on Skyline Divide last Thursday. Again, I lagged behind the others, suffering from the heat and the bugs, and I stopped for a lunch break before the rest of the group. Melanie stayed with me, I think partly because she was worried about me. The last few years I've noticed that the heat really bothers me when I try to hike uphill. Of course, what I'm able to do is still considerable, especially when I compare myself to other septuagenarians. There is something unpleasant that begins to happen to the body as it ages, and I sometimes forget that I'm no longer young.

Ten years. That's how long I've lived in the Pacific Northwest and have been going on these weekly hikes with the Senior Trailblazers. Many of the participants that were along back then are no longer hiking. One day, I'll be one of them who has to find other, less strenuous activities to enjoy. Truly, though, I hope that I can keep going for at least a few more years. That means I need to be kind to myself and forgiving of my shortcomings.

Yesterday I read a passage from a book that resonated with me. The author is trying to show how to be compassionate to oneself. He starts by asking why it is that we can be kind to others but berate ourselves and find it difficult to forgive that one person the way we do others. Here's the quote:

Compassion begins with self-acceptance. Self-acceptance first requires letting go of negative thoughts about yourself. And it requires being aware of the negative thoughts to begin with.

Awhile back I wrote about the Buddhist Five Remembrances, and in pondering them again today, I realize that I keep forgetting that life is change, nothing stays the same, and that the only true belongings I have, that I can keep, are my actions. "They are the ground upon which I stand. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions." When I forget to take care of myself, and when I extend my body past its limits, I pay the price. That's what I did a couple of weeks ago, and I regretfully acknowledge that I will never visit the top of Church Mountain again. Although I believe that today I am pretty much recovered, more than a week later, my knee is still bothering me and now I realize that I was deficient in self-acceptance. I wasn't taking care of myself.

Yesterday I walked with the ladies, my usual Saturday activity, and I was feeling strong and happily strode along with the others, not lagging behind, and being glad to be back in the swing of things. But you know I will forget, once again, that I must be kind to myself and will overdo it. It's my nature to overdo and push myself too far. But times are a-changing, and my body must be allowed to take longer and longer periods of recovery. Otherwise, I'll be falling over unable to get up. And all because I was unkind to myself, unrealistic in my thinking.

Some people are naturally compassionate to others but not to themselves. I'm one of them, I fear. It comes partly from having a competitive nature, and partly from being in denial about the vagaries of age. Yes, I know I'm guilty of this failing, but it's becoming evident that I must forgive myself and become more accepting of my nature. Otherwise, I'll continue to think if I just push myself a little bit more, I'll leave behind those aches and pains. Life doesn't work that way.

***

In the coming week, those of us who watch the sun make its way across the seasons will get to celebrate Lammas, summer's First Harvest. Although I've already been bringing in lots of vegetables from the garden, this is the time when the first grain is harvested and the first loaves of bread from the harvested grain are baked. It's also halfway between the summer solstice and the fall equinox.

August was considered an auspicious month for handfastings and weddings. But underlying this is the knowledge that the bounty and energy of Lugh, of the Sun, is now beginning to wane. It is a time of change and shift. Active growth is slowing down and the darker days of winter and reflection are beckoning.

 Soon the long days of summer will be but a memory, and I'll think back on all the wonderful days we spent in the High Country. And I'll also be glad to find ways to enjoy my favorite season, autumn. The equinox marks the Second Harvest, and the Third Harvest is at Halloween, when the nuts and berries are gathered. The circle of life reminds me to look around and enjoy it, not try to push the river, or pretend that it's a static condition. Every day that passes brings me closer and closer to a greater understanding of myself, if I allow it.

Now that I've written this post, I'm feeling like I've found a direction for the day's activities. I'll pay attention to how I treat that most important person in my life, me, and how much I can show compassion to myself. Not only that, but those around me will feel it, and it will spread out to the larger world. And we know the world needs all the compassion and kindness we can muster.

With that, I'm smiling over at my partner, still asleep, and finding myself ready to face the day filled with good feelings towards all. I hope that you will spend a little time today being kind to yourself, and that all will be well in your world. Until we meet again next week, I hope all good things will come your way.