My upside down world

Birthday flowers and "Serendipity"

It's only four months since that picture was taken on my birthday last December, but it seems like years ago. SG brought that Chinese wall hanging in China long ago, and I've enjoyed looking at that character over the years, and I wondered for a long time what the meaning of it is. At first, I thought it meant "Destiny," but just now I found it online again, and its meaning is more like "serendipity" or "fate," or "let it be."

This has been a very tough period in the entire world, with Covid-19 turning everything upside down. I was not meant to be isolated, but that's what I am now, with both of us deciding it's time to self isolate. He has developed signs of having the virus, but I am still without symptoms. It's impossible to find a test in our part of the country, unless you have been exposed to someone who definitely has the virus. And what difference would it make anyway? There is no treatment, and his symptoms are mild. No trouble breathing, no chest tightness, which would be very scary to develop. But we are here together, holding each other up during this time. At least 80% of those who contract the virus will have mild to moderate symptoms, and some of us are completely asymptomatic but are still able to spread it to others. And the two of us will hopefully recover, not having any known underlying conditions to complicate matters.

There is no way for me to know where I fit into that dynamic. Since I am confined to my home with only my partner anyway, my strongest desire is not to infect anybody else, if indeed I am contagious. So, other than a walk outside every now and then, I am stuck inside the apartment. I am wondering whether it's safe to work in our community garden, not that I have much desire to do so right now. In fact, it's difficult for me to get excited about much of anything. Who knew that without my social workout connections I would turn out to be such a slug?

I watched a couple of workout videos and they helped some, reminding me that I have all the equipment necessary to keep myself fit. All I need now is the motivation to close the laptop, get out of my easy chair, and get moving. I know that when I take a short walk I feel much better and more grounded. But oh, how I miss my friends and my fellow seniors. Every activity I have developed over the years is knocked away from me as I try to find my way through this time. I am not alone, that's for sure: there are very few people who are not impacted by this virus. In my county as of today, six people have died, and 102 people tested positive.

Well, there you have the downside of my upside-down world. Now it's time to look at the upside. I'm sure there are some; I just have to search for them. One notable upside is finding new writers, such as David von Drehle at the Washington Post. Yesterday he wrote a column about what this unpleasant infection has taught him. He contracted what he describes as a "mild to moderate" case, and today he ponders what he's learning from it.

Health is not a purely individual concern. My helplessness in recovery can be precisely what the community needs: I am surviving the virus but not spreading it. Some of us are chosen to suffer, some to console; some to isolate, others to plunge into the fray; some to give, some to receive; some to be broken, others to be healers. We are still at the beginning of this terrible teaching. We need to respect it and give it the fullness of time. 

Another upside is realizing how fortunate I am to have the resources I need to stay safe and relatively healthy through this period. There are so many out there who do not have a roof over their heads, an income like I do (Social Security has never been so appreciated), or health care of any sort. I know that if I have to go to the hospital, they will not turn me away because I have Medicare and paid into it my entire working life. I have dear friends who will do my grocery shopping for me if I cannot do it for myself. I never knew before how good a hug can feel when I'm not allowed to touch anybody, or get within six feet.

And that reminds me of the one person whom I can hug, cuddle, and receive assurances from: my dear partner, the one who is lying next to me in bed as I write this, who wakes from his sleep to cough, and then turns over and tries to rest. I think he is better; his coughs are not as frequent, and he and I will both get up and start our day. We have been together in close quarters much more than we usually are, because I am not going out, and this has caused us both to work to find ways to accommodate one another's daily habits. It's working pretty well, actually, and I am reminded that the best upside of this entire situation is getting to spend more time together, with very little friction.

I would not be writing this post if I didn't feel an obligation to you, my dear readers, to share with you what I am going through, and to help each other through this time. It's another one of those obligations that I made for myself and am not willing to give up any time soon. We have a very special family, one made of virtual connections that are as important right now as any other. And since I have never been in physical connection with most of you, I don't have to worry about sharing this awful virus with you. Only the benign virus of love, the one we must continue to share with each other, that's the one I am more than happy to spread around.

I hope you will find some joy and peace in your world today, dear friends. I will be going for a short walk in the rain, and maybe humming an uplifting tune, who knows? Until we meet here again next week, please stay safe and as healthy as possible. It's what I wish for all of us.