Dreaming and awakening

Fragrance Lake last week

When you look at this picture of Fragrance Lake, you can see that the reflections are almost as clear as the trees, but they are distorted in the reflection by the wind disturbing the surface of the water. Sometimes when I awaken from a dream, everything seems normal, but as the day begins to dawn, my perception also changes, and the dream fades as reality reasserts itself. Or, I should say, what I think is reality. Who knows for sure?

Once upon a time, I dreamt I was a butterfly, fluttering hither and thither, to all intents and purposes a butterfly. I was conscious only of my happiness as a butterfly, unaware that I was myself. Soon I awaked, and there I was, veritably myself again. Now I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly, dreaming I am a man.―  Zhuangzi

When I first learned of this quote, I recognized the truth of it immediately. I have had dreams that were as real as anything I've experienced in my waking moments. I have memories from some of those dreams that feel like they actually occurred. Maybe they did, and this habit I have of sitting with my laptop and tapping on the keys is no more than a fantasy. This whole idea has fascinated me for as long as I can remember.

The idea of time travel has also fascinated me forever. When I look at the pictures emanating from the new Webb telescope, looking at galaxies and stars whose light is reaching my eyes after a journey that takes millions of years, I can't help but wonder what they look like now. I'm looking into the past and have no way to see anything else. Or am I? Just like a dream, reality is not separate from my perception of it. Sages throughout history have told us that what we think is real is just an illusion, but if that's true, what actually is "real"? Inquiring minds want to know!

I think I mentioned here awhile ago that I have started a meditation practice, and for months now I have not missed a day without sitting quietly and following my breath. Of course thoughts intrude, but I've mostly managed to let them drift through my consciousness and let them go, and often I am simply amazed that a quarter of an hour has passed when my timer goes off. Surprised, I also realize that I am experiencing a peacefulness in a way I don't at any other time. Before I finish emerging from my twenty-minute-long meditation, I spend some time reciting some Buddhist prayers for the benefit of all humankind. At first I had to read them, but now they are part of me. They feel somehow more "real" after a quiet meditation period.

Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes. —Carl Jung

 Am I more awake afterwards? Something is different, but I cannot say what it is. And although I'd like to expand my meditation practice, it doesn't seem necessary at this point in my evolution. I'd just like to be able to remember what is important and let the rest go, just as I do the thoughts that emerge while counting my breaths. It simply staggers my mind to realize that I'm breathing all the time and am usually unaware of it. When I focus my attention, that breath is always there, a perfect way to build concentration. At first, I'd sometimes realize that I had captured a thought and stopped counting my breaths, but that happens less and less often these days.

1983 in our parents' back yard

Looking at this forty-year-old picture of me along with my siblings is a bit like peering into a telescope and seeing the past. We are arranged in birth order, with me wearing a skirt, of all things, and Norma Jean next to me, looking like a model. PJ died in 2014 of heart disease, which has taken so many members of my family. Our lone brother, Buz, begins the second family, so to speak, since he was born when I was sixteen, while the two youngest, Markee and Fia, were both born after I had married and moved away. Fia is almost exactly twenty years younger than me. None of us look like this anymore, of course. When I look at distant galaxies and wonder what they look like now, there is no way to know. But my family, my beautiful siblings, are still (except PJ) able to be seen as they are today. Looking at this picture, however, is a little bit like taking a spaceship back through time.

We live in an exciting time in the history of the world, don't you think? I am able to sit here in the dark, communicating my thoughts through the ether and will share them with you as soon as I hit "publish." Each of us exists in our own corner of the universe, but we can share our lives as if we were neighbors or family. We are truly connected. Some of us are dreamers and have our heads in the clouds, but others are more pragmatic and live in the here and now. There is no better or worse here, just difference, and variety makes life so much more interesting. I am thrilled that you, my dear reader, are part of my life, and that I will get to spend some time reading about your current lives. Many of you have been with me for years, and others have just recently hopped on the bandwagon, but all of you are precious and irreplaceable to me.

And now it's time to wind things up here, so I can get on with my day. My dear partner still sleeps next to me, probably dreaming of something that has the soundtrack of the tapping of keystrokes. Some of you have asked how he is doing, now that it's been two years since he experienced that stroke and has subsequently developed a few other issues. I can tell you that he is doing very well indeed, and continues to be my rock, my touchstone. He is closely monitored by his physician. Although we are getting up in years, we are blessed to be as healthy as we currently are. 

With that, I will sign off here, and wish you, every one, the very best of days and weeks ahead. And that your heart will find some time to be filled with happiness. Until we meet here again next week, I hope that all good things will come to you. Be well, dear friends.